2012 Olympics (to be held in London)

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a local of the area, in the traditional dress of hooded suit and trainers. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated in the parking lot by the side of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, London competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress this imbalance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven, one under each arm. On the sound of a starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 25 yards behind the athletes.

110 METERS HURDLES
As above, but with added obstacles (i.e. car hoods, hedges, garden fences and 6 ft walls etc).

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, lump, sledge etc.) The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage, within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 15 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or security style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifles have been replaced in this event; the competitors have a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the London University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All competitors will be timed against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be actually owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. When one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the synchronized swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London, especially anyone that appears to be mincing in those cute little shorts!

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Anti-Drug Center, synchronized rock throwing, and music will be supplied by a community choir and brass band. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannons. Followed by the inevitable pitch invasion of the Football Club's Organized Hooligans. The stadium itself will then be immediately boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the lead, copper piping and the central heating boiler.

LATEST NEWS!
Drug testing has been completely waived this year.